


Anniversary

by StephaniD



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Comfort/Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Ezri has two hands dammit, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, I promise I'm not queerbaiting, I'm just really gay and trying to work within the bounds of canon, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Post-Canon, ezri dax/kira nerys tbh, hints of slash, ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-31
Updated: 2018-09-01
Packaged: 2019-07-05 01:53:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15853821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StephaniD/pseuds/StephaniD
Summary: I keep trying to write Ezri fluff and failing.Set post-s7, DS9 is coming up on the anniversary of Jadzia's death.





	1. Chapter 1

 

Ezri couldn't stop thinking about when she and Worf had been captured by the Breen and finally discussed (argued about) how Ezri and Jadzia were different people.  
“You are a lot like her.” He had observed.  
“In some ways.” She had deflected. 

In the little ways they were similar, sure. Spotted Trill women with dark brown hair and blue eyes, Starfleet Lieutenants in science blues (though Ezri was junior grade), hands clasped behind their backs (thanks, Lela), always ready with an attempt at a joke. But in terms of who they were? Ezri didn't see much comparison. As Garak had told her months ago, Jadzia Dax was full of life, sure of herself. Ezri Dax was not. Ezri Tigan had been sure of herself, but with the Dax symbiont she was more anxious and unsure, more similar to Jadzia as an initiate, when all she did was study and focus on being selected for joining. Jadzia had earned 4 degrees, more than qualifying her to be DS9’s Chief Science Officer. Ezri had 1 honorary psychology degree and a posting as Station Counselor because Benjamin had been friends with Dax’s last 2 hosts. 

She was beginning to understand why the material the Symbiosis Commission had given her to read had stressed living her own life and making her own choices, comparing herself to her predecessor was going to give her an inferiority complex. She grabbed a padd and started trying to list things she was more proficient at than Jadzia, but that just turned into a list of ways they differed, and made her more frustrated at her myriad shortcomings. Jadzia was so much more accomplished than Ezri, even if Ezri only compared up to the age she was now. Jadzia hadn't even been joined, but she had been working on 4 degrees to prove she should be given a second chance at being a host. Ezri let her head and the padd drop to the table she was at. 

“What's wrong?”  
“Julian!” She bounced out of her seat to hug her boyfriend. “It's nothing.”  
“I'm glad I'm such a potent antidepressant.” He grinned. “Seriously though, you looked pretty upset. What were you thinking about?”  
“Just Trill stuff, don't worry about it.” She tried to brush it aside as they sat, but he continued to frown at her. “It's Dax stuff, Jadzia stuff, you don't want to talk about it.”  
“I get the feeling it's you who doesn't want to talk about it. We don't have to, but I'm willing to if you want.” He offered, and stayed quiet while Ezri thought.  
“Do you know if Jadzia ever compared herself to Curzon? It's hard to search for such a specific memory.”  
“I know she was definitely influenced by Curzon, she didn't take up Tongo, the bat’leth, or bloodwine until after joining. And she tried to live up to his obligations. Comparing though?” He thought for a few seconds. “If she did, she didn't tell me about it. But nobody here is comparing you to her.” Ezri gave him a disbelieving look. “Not anymore, I mean.” He amended.  
“Nobody besides me.” She sighed, looking at the list on her padd again.  
“May I?” Julian pinched the top of her padd, but didn't pull it out of her grip.  
“Go ahead.” Ezri sat back and crossed her arms as he read.  
“You've forgotten a few things, may I edit this?”  
“You're just going to write something sappy like 'Julian loves you’, aren't you?” She held her hand out for the padd back.  
“Only nonromantic, provable facts, I promise.”  
“Okay.” She watched his face as he wrote. 

“I'm not really surprised you're struggling with this again.” He noted absently. “It's a couple weeks from the anniversary of your joining, isn't it?”  
“Yeah, but I didn't come to DS9 until-” Julian looked up as she cut off, one hand on her stomach, on Dax.  
“Ezri?”  
“I didn't think the anniversary would sneak up on me, or that it would make me space sick.” She frowned. “Though the first anniversary of Torias’ death was rough for Curzon, too, he drank until he passed out. And he had quite a tolerance for alcohol.”  
“How did Curzon fare on the second anniversary?”  
“Better.”  
“Good to hear. Remind me, didn't Joran come between Torias and Curzon?”  
“Yes, but only for about 6 months, and Dax was given a memory block, so Curzon didn't remember Joran at all. He thought he was just remembering the crash, he didn't know he was also remembering the death of the host.”  
“Right, right.” He finished what he was writing and handed the padd back with a smile. Ezri began to read. 

“‘Got Garak to open up’?” She asked accusingly.  
“Jadzia didn't know him as well as I, at times it seemed like the man was allergic to telling the truth. I know 3 different versions of why he was exiled from Cardassia. 4 if you count not paying his taxes. One time I asked him how much of what he told me was true, he told me all of it, especially the lies. You being able to help Garak isn't something to scoff at.”  
“‘Better comedic timing’? Julian, that's not quantifiable.”  
“Well, you've never cracked a litany of unfunny jokes while we're all staring death in the face. Miles said even Sisko lost his patience. 'In case you haven't noticed, no-one’s laughing’.”  
“Nice impression.” Ezri teased before looking back at the padd. “I don't feel like I handle Joran very well.” She frowned. “I almost stabbed an innocent man because of him.”  
“But you didn't stab him. And Jadzia didn't attempt to handle Joran at all, she just tried to forget about him. What you did, what you do, takes a lot of strength and courage.”  
“Thank you, Julian.” She smiled. “Why is my not being an initiate on here?”  
“Jadzia went through the initiate program twice. While that was a first, an amazing thing, it meant she was doubly prepared to receive Dax. For you to accept a symbiont with so many memories, and Sudden Host Death syndrome, and you not having been trained was unfathomably brave, and to be doing so incredibly well a short year later, is simply astounding, especially considering you jumped in at DS9 during a war.”  
“Thank you, Julian.” She grasped his hand, putting the padd down to wipe her eyes.

 

* * *

 

“Hey, Dax.” Kira pulled her to the side after the morning briefing the next day. “I've been thinking of holding a small memorial for Jadzia on the anniversary of her death, and I wanted to let you know in case you want to be there or avoid it completely.”  
“Thank you, Kira. I can't promise anything, but doing this and letting me know about it really means a lot. Did you tell Worf?” Ezri asked, Kira nodded.  
“Unfortunately he can't make it.”  
“What's the plan for the memorial?”  
“A 10-15 minute service in the shrine at 2200 hours, I've asked one of the Ranjen to speak about hope. After that we'll go across to Quark's and celebrate Jadzia's life until far too late at night. Don't feel pressured to attend.”  
“Thank you, Nerys.”  
“I'm sad she's gone, but I'm also glad you're here.” Kira put a soft hand on her shoulder.  
“Did Julian put you up to this?” Ezri frowned.  
“No, why?”  
“Yesterday I couldn't figure out why I was feeling bad and he reminded me of the date, and tried to cheer me up. I thought maybe he said something to you.”  
“No, I just figure out of everyone left on the station, you and I are probably hit hardest by it.”  
“You're probably right. Which is probably a good thing, it would be kind of awkward to counsel people through their grief of who I used to be. I mean, who Dax used to be.”  
“Yeah, it doesn't sound like a standard psychology course, even for Trills.” Kira grinned. “Well, I don't want to keep you, just wanted you to know you're welcome at the memorial, but I understand if you don't go. And feel free to stop by my quarters if you need. Remember that you have more friends on the station than just your boyfriend.”  
“I'll remember. Thank you, Nerys.” 

 

* * *

 

“Reminder that standing on your head just gives you a headache.” Julian said gently as Ezri stopped pacing to stare at a throw pillow. “And if you bite your nails you'll regret it tomorrow. Though I wouldn't turn down Curzon's favorite stress relief if you want to try that.”  
“Not the time for jokes, Julian.” She snapped.  
“I'm not joking. You may be able to think more clearly if you work off some of this energy.” He watched as she stopped to debate, fingers of her right hand drumming her left bicep as the nails of her left hand found her mouth. “Or we could go to a holosuite, or I could help you make a pro-con list.” He offered.  
“I've got a healthy heart, some  _ jamaharon _ won't kill me.” She smiled slyly. Julian smiled back as he stood from the couch. “And if this doesn't help, we can make a list afterward.”  
“Ez, I love you, but that was not sexy.” He chuckled.  
“Even to your big, enhanced brain?” She teased as they headed to her bedroom. 

 

“This isn't helping.” Ezri sighed at her padd.  
“What emotion will you feel the most of if you do or don't go?”  
“Guilty.”  
“How about comparing how much guilt you expect to feel in each scenario? You can use a bar graph.”  
“Worth a shot.” Ezri worked quietly for a minute. “Nope. Adding another variable just made it more complicated.”  
“I've heard of a trick where you randomly select an outcome, and your emotions will let you know if you genuinely want that outcome or not.”  
“How do we randomly select an outcome?”  
“Let's say evens is you go to the memorial, odds is you don't. Computer, what is the time down to the nanosecond?”  
“The time is 2342 and 376 nanoseconds.”  
“Even, so 'go to the memorial’. How do you feel about that?”  
“The same.” She groaned, head in her hands. “Anxious about what people will say and how they'll treat me plus some guilt about replacing Jadzia.”  
“And if you don't go you’ll feel guilty about missing it.” He guessed. Ezri nodded. “How about this: What would you tell a patient who had to choose between an outcome causing anxiety or one causing guilt?”  
“Huh.” Ezri sat and thought. “I guess I'd ask which outcome would be easier or harder to live with. Not going would probably be harder, because then I'd have the uncertainty of what would happen if I go.”  
“Don't forget you don't have to stay. You can skip the religious service if you want, or only go to that, and you can leave at anytime.”  
“True…”  
“And I'll be with you the entire night unless you tell me otherwise.” He laid a hand on her cheek and she put her own hand on top, leaning into his touch.  
“Thank you for talking this out with me.”  
“Of course. I hate seeing you upset. Is Kira expecting an RSVP?”  
“No, thank goodness. She specifically told me I'd be welcome, but not to feel pressured to attend.” She smiled. “She's a really good friend.”  
“Despite the anger she projects.”  
“I think that's more than 33% an act now.”  
“You think 2/3rds of her anger isn't an act?”  
“Anger can be hard to let go of. But I think it's closer to 5/9 genuine, plus she's not angry nearly as often as when Jadzia met her.” Ezri grinned. “And she told me I could stop by her quarters if I need a friend.”  
“When was this?”  
“A few days ago when she told me about the memorial.”  
“You should take her up on it.”  
“Because while I may not need it, she might.” Ezri nodded. “I'm just not sure what I would say.”  
“You could take a section from Miles’ book and just show up with alcohol.” 


	2. Chapter 2

“Dax.” Kira smiled when the door opened.   
“Hi. Is now a good time to chat? I brought spring wine.” Ezri nervously lifted the bottle by the neck.   
“Sure, sure, come on in. Computer, replicate two wine glasses. What brings you over, Dax?” Kira glanced back at her from the replicator. Ezri shrugged.   
“Julian helped me figure out that I'd rather go to the memorial than avoid it.”   
“Sounds like making that decision didn't help much.” Kira observed with a frown. She took the wine from Ezri and filled their glasses.   
“Yeah.” Ezri sighed before straightening her shoulders. “But that's not why I'm here. You didn't give me an open invitation in order for me to depress you.”   
“Says who? If you want to be sad, be sad.” Kira counseled as she handed her a glass. “Prophets know alcohol can be good for that.”   
“It's probably better for me to get drunk now than around everyone at Quark's. But what if I get drunk there, too? Maybe I shouldn't attend, it's weird to mourn the person I used to be, isn't it?”   
“Come sit.” Kira guided her to the couch. “I haven't seen you this anxious in months, are you okay?”   
“Apparently my mind is not as made up as I thought it was.” Ezri smiled humorlessly and took a sip of her wine.   
“Well, I think it's perfectly normal to mourn for the person you used to be. I've done it.” Kira advised.   
“You have?”   
“I've mourned the girl I was before I joined the resistance,” Kira stared at her wine, swirling it as she spoke softly, “the innocent child who’d never even held a phaser let alone killed someone in cold blood. If someone who only lives one life can mourn the person they used to be, I think you've got free reign. Jadzia is kind of like your relative in a way, right?”   
“Um, kind of, yeah.”   
“So you can mourn her loss without disrespecting the part of you that's her.”   
“You’d be a good counselor.” Ezri noted, not for the first time. “And I suppose everyone else will be drunk, too. And I can always tell Quark not to give me bloodwine under any circumstances.”   
“You worried you might forget again?” Kira smiled.   
“When I get drunk, who knows. I haven't gone past buzzed post-joining on purpose.”   
“Maybe you should write your name on your palm so you remember.”   
“Maybe.” They settled into silence for a few minutes. 

“Did Ja- Sorry, can I ask about Trill and past hosts and everything, or do you not want to talk about that?” Kira corrected herself.   
“Go ahead.”   
“Do Trills usually mourn their past host? I don't remember Jadzia mourning Curzon.”   
“Not really, but I'm not the most informed on joined Trill. The only Dax host to mourn their predecessor was Curzon mourning Torias. He got so drunk he passed out on the first anniversary of Torias’ death. Which is another reason I'm anxious about the memorial. I'm not sure how I'm going to react to the anniversary of such a traumatic event if Curzon couldn’t handle it.” Ezri confessed. Kira nodded and thought for a few seconds.   
“So if Joran had Dax in between, Curzon only had Dax for a few months before the anniversary, right?” Kira asked. Ezri nodded. “So, let's hope that part of his reaction was due to the joining being so recent.” Kira looked to her altar and touched her forehead. “For good luck.” She explained. “I know you probably consider it superstitious.”   
“I appreciate it.” Ezri smiled. “I hope you're right.” 

“If you're nervous about going into the shrine, you don't have to. If you're nervous about getting drunk, you don't have to. Or we could get drunk tonight.” Kira grinned. “See if you remember you're you.”  
“I think I'll be alright in the shrine, but if we want to get drunk we're going to need more than a bottle of spring wine.”   
“Your tolerance isn't as high as Curzon's. You're only 23 years old, and shorter than me.”  
“I remember that _your_ tolerance is higher than Jadzia expected for your height. I also have experience holding my alcohol. Don't ask, let's focus on one trauma at a time.”  
“Okay. Let's finish the bottle and see how we feel. We can get more alcohol later if we want.” Kira replied amiably. Ezri raised her glass in agreement before taking another sip. 

 

* * *

 

“Okay, that's been 3 glasses each in 2 hours and I feel pretty fine.” Ezri stated. “Should I go to Quark's and get stronger alcohol?”   
“We could ask if he still has any of the alcohol Miles liked, he might give us a discount to get rid of it.” Kira suggested.   
“Don't you have to get up early tomorrow for work?”   
“Don't you?”   
“Computer, what time is my first appointment tomorrow?”   
“0900 hours.” The computer supplied. Ezri frowned as she thought.   
“Nerys, can I use your computer terminal? I can't remember who I have scheduled for tomorrow morning and I can't break patient confidentiality by using the vocal interface.”   
“Go ahead.” Kira waved her in the direction of the computer. Ezri quickly determined that none of her patients would be overly affected by missing an appointment, and sent out apologies for cancelling and offers to reschedule to all of her patients with appointments before 1pm.   
“Okay, that's done. Thanks for letting me use your computer. Would you like to come with me to Quark's?”   
“Someone's got to keep an eye on you and remind you who you are.” Kira grinned as she put their wine glasses back in the replicator for recycling. Ezri rolled her eyes as she grinned back. The women held hands as they headed to the promenade. 

“Ladies. What are you doing here so late?” Quark greeted, eyeing their hands lasciviously. Kira was about to bark back an angry retort when Ezri stood on tiptoe to whisper in her ear. Kira thought for a second and smiled.  
“Have I mentioned how much I appreciate _you_ being the one who has to go on her toes to whisper now?” She grinned at Ezri, who rolled her eyes.   
“Quark, how would you feel about a trade?” Ezri asked.   
“As long as it's not yamok sauce or self-sealing stem bolts I'll listen to it.”   
“Would you agree to give me and Nerys each a free drink if I kissed her, right here and right now?” Quark stared at her slack-jawed. After a second he nodded.   
“So you'd give us each two free drinks if I kissed Ezri back, right?” Kira smiled.   
“Uh… you… and… okay…” Quark nodded again.   
“Write up the contract and we'll both put our thumbprint to it.” Kira nodded. Quark pulled out a small Ferengi padd and began to type feverishly. After a minute he passed it to the women and they read it carefully.   
“Looks good to me.” Ezri said.   
“Me, too.” They both approved it with a thumbprint and gave Quark the padd back.   
“Quark, what's the drink O’Brien got a lot?” Ezri asked.   
“Beer?”   
“No, the stronger one.”   
“Scotch?”   
“Yes. I'd like a scotch and a Til’amin froth with alcohol not synthehol, please.”   
“Ezri, are you sure you're feeling okay?”   
“Are you going to talk, or hold up your end of the contract?” She frowned.   
“She's already buzzed.” Kira stage-whispered. “I think this is more Curzon than Ezri. Two glasses of synthale for me.”   
“I'll remind you that the contract you just signed stipulated that services must be rendered prior to payment.”   
“Set the drinks up on the bar, we promise we won't touch them before, well, each other.” Kira grinned. Quark quickly set to work. 

He set the fourth drink on the bar.  
“Ready?” Ezri smiled nervously at Kira.   
“Ready.” Kira reached out to stroke her short dark hair. “Quark, you got a good view?” She scowled as he held up a holo-camera.   
“You didn't prohibit pictures in the contract.” He replied.   
“It'll be fine.” Ezri soothed, her hands cradling Nerys’ face. She pulled her friend down to place a chaste kiss on her forehead, Nerys quickly doing the same. They let out a whoop as they grabbed their free drinks from a crestfallen-looking Quark, some of the other late-night patrons clapping for them.   
“Upstairs?” Kira asked Ezri.   
“Doesn't matter to me, lead the way. I only care about getting drunk.” Ezri followed her friend to a quieter table on the main floor. 

Ezri took a sip of her scotch and swallowed with a grimace.   
“Ugh, how did Miles drink this stuff?”  
“I think it reminded him of his childhood home in Ireland. You're the one who wants to get drunk.”   
“I think I prefer bloodwine.” Ezri deadpanned before downing the rest of her scotch and following it with half of her Til’amin froth.   
“Now that we're alone, whose idea was it to trick Quark into giving us free alcohol?”   
“I hope that was okay.” Ezri's eyebrows pressed together, but Kira smiled and waved off her concern. “It was Jadzia and Curzon. I know it's not very _me_ of me, but past hosts are supposed to influence you to do new and exciting things.”   
“As long as those new and exciting things aren't eating gagh.” Kira grinned.   
“Don't remind me of gagh, I'm going to be nauseous enough when that scotch hits.” Ezri pulled a face.   
“Feel free to stop at any time. You don't have to pass out.”   
“I know, but I want to see if I'll still be me when I get completely drunk. And I feel safer doing it with just you instead of everyone. Imagine if I get drunk around Jake and Curzon starts remembering changing his diaper!” Ezri explained. Kira giggled.   
“Oh, that would be terrible. Neither one of you would live it down.” She snickered.   
“Which is why we're here.” Ezri finished her froth and went to the bar to get another drink. 

“Quark's grumbling about how we managed to cheat him without technically breaking the contract.” She told Kira upon returning, drink in hand.  
“How very Ferengi of us.” Kira raised her glass in a toast. Ezri touched their glasses together, both women grinning. “What’ve you got this time?”   
“Saurian brandy.”   
“You are determined to get drunk.” Kira chuckled.   
“And this should get the job done.”   
“If you throw up I’m calling your boyfriend.”   
“He’ll understand.”   
“At 0200 hours or whatever time it is?”   
“He’ll understand.” Ezri repeated. “He might be grumpy, but he’ll understand.” 

“Ezri? You don’t look too good.” Kira frowned.   
“I don’t feel too good. The question is, is it from the alcohol, or is it space sickness? Could the alcohol cause space sickness?”   
“I don’t know, you’re the one with the teal uniform.”   
“I’m jus' a counselor. I know! Julian would know, let’s ask him.” Ezri smiled.   
“Ezri, it’s late, Julian’s asleep.”   
“Right… Maybe if I went to the exact center of the station, I would feel less nauseous.”   
“Isn’t the exact center the old ore-processing parts of the station?”   
“Right…” Ezri stared at the last few ounces of her drink for a minute. Then she suddenly stood up and walked away. Surprised and confused, Kira followed after.   
“Where are you going?”   
“To slow down the rotation of the station. There’s a balance to the rotation and the velocity needed to stay in orbit, but I should be able to adjust it to where I’m not as nauseous.”   
“You can’t do that!”   
“Yes I can. It’s tricky, but I’m a very good engineer.”   
“Dax.” Kira grabbed her friend’s hand and pulled her to a stop. “Hey, you’re Ezri, remember? Counselor Ezri Dax. Number 9.” She watched as Ezri’s face shifted from confused to embarrassed and she hid her face in her hands.   
“Thanks, Nerys.” She mumbled.   
“No problem.” Kira grinned. “Want to return to Quark’s?” Ezri dropped her hands and turned towards the bar.   
“Sure. Did I finish my drink without realizing?”   
“You want to get more drunk?” Kira pulled Ezri back to face her.   
“No, I jus’ want to get my money’s worth. You know how Quark charges for real alcohol.”   
“Okay.” Kira agreed and they resumed walking.   
“Thank you again for stopping me, I mean Tobin, Dax, you know what I mean.” She sighed. “Knowing my luck I’d get halfway through and forget how to continue and how to put it all back the way it was.”   
“I kinda figured.” Kira smiled. “Don’t worry, I was here to babysit.” Ezri scowled at her. “Sorry, bad term. I’m here to watch out for your drunk self, and if you decide to come to the memorial, Julian and I will probably be less drunk than you, so we’ll watch out for you.”   
“And make sure Emony doesn’ twist my ankle or something.”   
“We’ll do our best.” Kira chuckled. They returned to their table at Quark’s and Ezri finished her brandy in one swallow. They returned their cups to the bar and headed to the habitat ring. 

“You’re still pretty drunk, and you don’t have any appointments tomorrow morning, want to have a sleepover in my quarters?” Kira offered.   
“Sure. I can go back to my quarters when you head to Ops. You’ll um, say sorry for me?”   
“Of course.”   
“And you won’t have a hangover to deal with?”   
“Nah, the spring wine was spaced out enough and long enough ago that I’ll be good, and I only had synthale at Quark’s. I’ll probably be short-tempered and practically injecting myself with raktajino, but I’ll be fine.”   
“Thanks again for tonight. Sorry I kept you up so late.”   
“Ezri, don’t worry about it.” 

 

* * *

 

“Ezri? It's 0530. You're welcome to stay in my quarters if you want, but last night you said you wanted to go to your own quarters in the morning.” Kira laid a hand on Ezri's shoulder, who just pulled the spare blanket over her head and cuddled into the couch more. Kira muffled a snicker at the juvenile (and Jadzia-like) behavior. She replicated a glass of water and set it beside a basic painkiller hypospray on the coffee table before heading to Ops. Her friend would replicate some breakfast when she woke, and hopefully remember that she didn't like raktajino. 


	3. Chapter 3

Ezri considered another dress, then shoved the hanger back on the rod. She'd already ruled out her regular and dress uniforms. She went to her dresser and pulled out dark colored shirts. That would be appropriate for a memorial, right? And she'd be more comfortable than in a dress. Should she go with all black? Kira had said they'd be celebrating Jadzia's life at Quark's, so maybe a dark blue, like their eyes?   
“Oh, come on, Ezri, you're overthinking this!” She muttered. She went to grab a shirt at random, but hesitated. She grabbed all of them and laid them on her bed before opening a comlink. “Dax to Bashir.”   
“I was just going to call you.” She could hear the smile in his voice.   
“Do me a favor and pick a number between 1 and 8?”   
“3. What's going on?”   
“Nothing important, but thanks Julian.”   
“I was wondering if you wanted me to stop by and we'll go to the shrine together, or if you want to do something else.”   
“Going together would be really nice.” She grinned.  
“I'll be there in about 15 minutes.” They closed the comlink and Ezri grabbed a deep green short-sleeved shirt. She briefly debated pairing it with a black skirt, but quickly determined that a skirt could be a bad idea if she forgot who she was. She went with brown pants so it didn't look as similar to her uniform. 

Ezri's hand was a little tight in Julian's as they walked to the Shrine, but she relaxed as the Ranjen began his short sermon on hope. Partially because of what he was saying, partially because no-one was paying attention to her. She was glad he didn't mention that Jadzia had been attacked in the shrine. At Quark's she wrapped an arm around Julian's back and he did the same, Kira quickly found them and squeezed Ezri's free hand.  
“Everybody's here to support each other, don't feel pressured to stay.” She smiled. Ezri did her best to smile back. While she appreciated everyone doing their best to understand what she was going through, she wished they'd stop staring at her and treating her like she was about to burst into tears at any moment. Even Jake was being delicate with her. Once everyone had a drink, Kira stood on a chair to speak. 

“A year ago today, our friend Jadzia Dax was taken from us. Her passing was senseless, but instead of focusing on our anger and sorrow, let's focus on Jadzia's good qualities. I remember when I first met Jadzia, I hated her.” Kira paused while the crowd chuckled. “I yelled at her, I called her 'Starfleet’ like it was the worst insult, and for some reason-” Kira paused to chuckle herself and wipe her eyes. “For some reason she was determined to be my friend. And it worked. Jadzia was one of the first friends I had on this station, and she helped to show me that you Starfleet types aren't so bad.” Everyone chuckled again. Kira raised her glass and everyone else followed suit. “To Jadzia.”  
“To Jadzia.” They all repeated. Throughout the night Ezri continued to drink as people sporadically spoke about Jadzia. Quark praised her skill at bargaining, Kasidy her eagerness to welcome people to the station and make friends, Jake her kindness, Julian her curiosity. Many people Ezri vaguely remembered spoke of their surprise when the Chief Science Officer wanted to have coffee with them and be their friend. Kira snuck Ezri away when Morn’s remembrance went over 5 minutes, and the women walked slowly along the promenade. Ezri was grateful that Kira didn't ask how she was feeling as she wiped her eyes. She wasn't sure if she'd be able to put it into words, especially considering how much she'd had to drink.  
“I think, at the end of the night, I might like to say a few words on Jadzia's behalf.” Ezri said suddenly.  
“Okay.” Kira smiled. “If you're up to it, I think that would be a great way to end the evening.” 

They returned just as Morn was winding down. Ezri nudged Julian, who was struggling to keep his eyes open.  
“Thanks. You good?” He whispered. She nodded.  
“You can go back to your quarters and go to sleep.” She murmured.  
“What about you?”  
“I'm drunk, but I think I'll be good. And Kira's still here.”  
“Alright. I'm just a comlink away.”  
“Night, Jul.”  
“Night, Ez.” They kissed and he headed back to the habitat ring, yawning. While Ezri had had told Julian she was drunk, she was still only buzzed, which was not as drunk as she should have been. She had a tolerance, but not that much. 

“Another drink?” Quark asked.  
“Yup. What time is it?” Ezri asked.  
“2500. You want another Dufulju?”  
“Quark, have you been giving me drinks with less alcohol than they should have? Have you been weakening _my_ drinks, specifically?”  
“Ezri, you know I water down the drinks, especially when there's a big get together.”  
“Have you been giving me the same alcohol content as everyone else, Quark?” She demanded.  
“I figured you wouldn't want to get drunk and possibly lose control and make a scene.” He reasoned.  
“I _want_ everyone to quit treating me like I'm different just because we're at Jadzia's memorial, and I _want_ to get drunk. Give me a glass of kanar.” Ezri ignored the room quieting around her, the eyes that were undoubtedly on her back.  
“Kanar?” Quark asked.  
“You still have some from the Dominion occupation and you wouldn't bother to water it down because it wouldn't be profitable to have more sitting around undrunk. And after having as much to drink as I have, I should not be able to reason that out.” She crossed her arms. “Kanar.”  
“Okay. I hope you like it better than bloodwine.”  
“You better hope I don't catch you messing with anyone's drinks.” Kira threatened, walking up next to Ezri.  
“Got it, Colonel.” The women watched Quark pour Ezri's drink. She reached for the padd to give her thumbprint and pay, but Kira put her hand over the sensor.  
“It's on the house, Quark. You owe Ezri at least that much for essentially giving her soft drinks when she wanted to get drunk. And you even got caught, isn't there a Rule of Acquisition about that?”  
“Number 21, never place friendship above profit.” He defended, annoyed.  
“What about the one where you can't earn latinum if you're dead?” She leaned over the bar.  
“What about rule 57, Quark?” Ezri accused.  
“I was trying to follow rule 57, I swear!”   
“You’re lucky you’re the only shop on the station with good alcohol.” Kira shoved his padd back at him. “You can eat the profits and let Ezri drown her sorrows if that’s what she wants to do.”   
“You can’t order me around!” He protested.   
“Can’t I?” She snarled. “Quit making a scene. We’re supposed to be remembering Jadzia and you’re cheating Ezri out of a well-earned hangover.” Kira passed Ezri her glass of Kanar, nodding when Ezri took a swig and pulled a face, retching at the taste. “It’s alcoholic, all right.”   
“It’s Cardassian, all right. Ugh.” Ezri stared at the rest of the glass before chugging it.   
“Ezri, are you alright?” Quark asked, eyebrows nearly on top of his head as she handed him the empty glass.   
“No, Quark, I’m not, and I want to be a lot drunker than I am.”   
“Til’amin froth with extra alcohol coming up, on the house.” He nodded at Ezri and Kira.   
“Will you be alright if I go chat with people, or do you want me to stay with you?” Kira asked.   
“Thank you for the help. I’m fine, I’ll be right here getting drunk.” Ezri waved her off. If no-one spoke to her, she should be able to remember who she was, to mourn Jadzia properly. 

 

* * *

 

After over an hour of Ezri doing her best to get drunk, and everyone else leaving her alone, she spoke up. She’d tried to remember the good times, those when Jadzia felt happiest, but one of the happiest was her predecessor’s excitement at having a baby, which led her thoughts to her death. The pain and the fear that Dax would die and she’d be the last host. Ezri unthinkingly wrapped an arm around Dax. The symbiont was safe.    
“Quark.” She said eventually. The bartender looked slightly nervous as she called for him with a glass still partially full. “You had to plan your own death once, right? With Garak?”    
“Yes.” His voice was nervous and confused.    
“You ruled out a phaser shot, right?”    
“Ezri, I don’t really like to think about that.”    
“Jus’ tell me why you didn’t want to be killed by a phaser. It’d be fast. You wouldn’t suffer for long.”    
“But I would feel it, even for a fraction of a second. Plus it would mess up my clothes.” He reasoned. Ezri snorted and took another swig of her drink.    
“A Saurian brandy, Quark. Please.” He nodded and grabbed the bottle. She knew he was itching to charge her for all the alcohol she was drinking, but wouldn’t dare risk provoking Kira’s wrath, especially drunk Kira. Ezri grinned into her drink at the Ferengi’s discomfort. She imagined it was the Jadzia in her that could take small enjoyment instead of worrying about their relationship. Jadzia hadn’t held Quark selling weapons against him once he stopped, their relationship would surely survive him giving her soft drinks. Especially now that he was fixing his mistake. She downed the rest of her froth when Quark set the glass of brandy in front of her. 

 

* * *

 

“Ezri, I'm saying this because I care for you…” Quark held his hands up in surrender as she glared. “You can slow down. I'm not closing until 0300 at the earliest, you've got at least 2 more hours. Not to mention you're going to get sick and have to go to the infirmary if you keep going like you have been.” Ezri contemplated his words as she swirled her drink.   
“You're prob’ly right.” She sighed. “It jus’ hurts.” Quark slipped immediately into 'sympathetic bartender’ mode.   
“Remembering Jadzia?”   
“Remembering Jadzia's death. The pain, the fear, the sorrow. She was so excited to have a baby. Imagine, a little baby with Klingon forehead ridges and Trill spots.” Ezri smiled sadly at her drink before taking a swig.   
“How would their organs even work?”   
“Julian was gonna figure it out. Jadzia was gonna help. Some real frontier medicine,” she snorted, “possibly the firs’ half-Klingon half-Trill ever. I'm hurting for Jadzia, and for Worf, and I have the memory of that pain and sorrow, knowing I was dying, and my baby would never live, and Dax might die, too.” She took a deep shaky breath and wiped her eyes on the back of her hand. Quark laid a hand on her shoulder for a second. Unbeknownst to Ezri, his other hand went up in the air to signal Kira. “I hope Worf’s okay. He was always too Klingon to fit in with Humans, too um, uptight to fit in with Klingons. I bet he's getting drunk right now, too.”   
“He's on a Klingon ship, they'll drown him in bloodwine, toast Jadzia in Sto-Vo-Kor, fight each other, all that stuff.” Quark replied.   
“Hey, Dax.” Kira said softly, sitting beside her.   
“I'm Ezri.” She sighed. “It's… getting tougher, but I want to mourn Jadzia as me. We're jus’ both hurting.” Kira nodded.   
“No pressure, just a gentle reminder that you can go to bed at any time, I'll walk with you if you feel space-sick.”   
“I'm try'na fight it.” Ezri confessed.   
“Want to go to the Infirmary for a hypo?” Kira asked. Ezri debated. It was probably Curzon and Jadzia urging her to keep drinking, those two were the worst influences, and Ezri had stopped drinking to excess when she left New Sydney and joined Starfleet. At this point she was too drunk to say anything on Jadzia's behalf besides 'thank you’. She was drunk enough that she should fall asleep fairly quickly, and hopefully sleep dreamlessly, and doubtlessly wake up hungover. “Ezri?” Kira pulled her out of her thoughts.   
“Finish this,” she lifted her glass, “then Infirmary, then,” she looked to Kira, “could I ask you to please stay with me ‘til I fall asleep?” she whispered. She desperately didn't want to be alone with the memory of Jadzia's death.   
“Sure.”  
“Thanks, Nerys.” 

When Ezri only had a couple of ounces left in her glass, she stood on her barstool, Kira physically supporting her with an 'Oh, Prophets’. Ezri raised her glass to the handful of people still at the bar. 

“I jus’ wanna say, on behalf of Jadzia, thank you.” She finished her drink and accepted Kira's hand down. “Okay now I really need that hypo.” She mumbled as she stumbled into Kira.   
“We're gonna get you there.”   
“... Are you drunk, too?”   
“Nah, I stuck to synthale after 2400.”   
“Hard to re-, um… give up control.” Ezri nodded.   
“Do not psychoanalyze me when you're drunk.” Kira chuckled. “Did this just hit all at once?”   
“It's easy to hide it when you sit at a bar and don' talk to people.”  
“There is that. Here we are.” They entered the Infirmary. 

“How can I help you?” A Bajoran nurse approached with a smile.   
“Space-sickness and alcohol are not a good combination. Can Dax get a hypospray?”   
“Sure.”   
“Maybe I should sleep here.” Ezri thought aloud.   
“Ezri?” Kira turned to her.   
“I’m pretty drunk, if I sleep here they can keep an eye on me.” She explained.   
“I don't know.” Kira frowned. “Wouldn't you be more comfortable in quarters?”   
“Dax to Bashir.” Ezri tapped her combadge. “Julian, it's Ezri, wake up.”   
“Ez?! What's wrong?”   
“I'm drunk and I wanna sleep in Sick Bay.”   
“Get a corticovascular monitor and come to my quarters.” He sighed.   
“What was that sigh?”   
“I'm relieved you're not hurt.”   
“We'll be there in about 15 minutes, Julian.” Kira said.  
“Thank you, Kira.” He replied and closed the comlink. The nurse gave Ezri the hypospray, and attached a monitor that would alert the Infirmary and Julian if anything went wrong. 

“I changed my mind.” Ezri declared as they walked.  
“About what?” Kira asked.  
“I don' wanna go to Julian's. He'll jus’ worry about me. Let's go to my quarters.”  
“Let's go to Julian's first and tell him. He is waiting for you and we are almost there.” Kira reminded.  
“I guess.” She sighed. 

“Hey, Ez.” Julian yawned from the couch. “Thanks, Kira.”  
“I've decided I wanna go to my quarters.” Ezri stated.  
“Why?” Julian frowned.  
“So you won' worry about me. I'm fine, I'm jus’ really drunk.”  
“I promise I won't worry about you out loud, how's that?” He suggested. Ezri thought.  
“Dax, aren't you tired?” Kira yawned. “Julian's couch is only a few metres away, do you really want to walk all the way to your quarters?” Ezri frowned as she tried to think. She shouldn't have had so much to drink.  
“You're teaming up on me.” She stated, frustrated.  
“Yes, we are.” Kira replied. “You're drunk, what does it matter where you sleep it off?” Ezri couldn't argue with that logic. “Here, I promised I'd stay until you were asleep. As long as you're okay with that?” Kira looked to Julian. He gestured that she should go ahead. “You want to sleep, go to sleep. You don't want Julian to worry, he's promised to stay quiet. You want me to stick around until you pass out, I'm here.” She soothed. “So for Prophets’ sake, Ezri, lay down, it's past 0200.”  
“I've never been this drunk before.” She mumbled, falling to the couch beside Julian and cuddling into his embrace. “I have when I was Curzon, but not as Ezri. Not with this little body and all this knowledge.”  
“Don't psychoanalyze yourself.” Kira sighed, sitting down on Ezri's other side. 

“I shouldn've gotten drunk. I should’ve done what you did.”   
“Being too drunk can be frightening, but Julian and I are right here. Don’t worry about anything.”   
“But what does this say about me as a person? As a, um, counselor?”   
“It says you had a very hard time and needed help relaxing.” Julian mumbled, eyes closed. “Not something to worry about.”   
“But what if I have, um... alcohol poisoning? What if Dax does?”   
“Ezri, you said Curzon has been drunker than this and Dax was fine.” Kira soothed. “And the monitor will alert the Infirmary if your biochemistry needs help.”  
“'Nd I'm right here.” Julian murmured, rubbing Ezri’s arm. 

“...I bet this isn' how you thought tonight would go.” Ezri tried to smile at Kira.   
“You're right. I thought you'd forget who you are at least once.”   
“I did. I think.”   
“Well, I didn't notice, so good job.” Ezri allowed her eyes to close at the praise. Julian snored softly.   
“I thought I'd cry.” She murmured.   
“You can.” Kira replied softly. “Today wasn't easy.”   
“Do you wanna cry?”   
“Little bit, yeah.” Ezri pulled her eyes open to find Kira's shiny with tears. She fumbled a hand into her friend's.   
“Okay.” She whispered. “We won' be strong.”   
“Okay.” Kira whispered back. “I miss her. She was always able to crack some joke and make me smile, even when I was so upset that I wanted to punch Sisko.” She let her tears roll down her cheeks.   
“It hurt so bad. The... helplessness. The terror. The waiting.” She took a deep shaky breath. “Jadzia's so much more than Ezri could ever be.” Kira shook her head.   
“You're different. You bring something that Jadzia couldn't.”   
“Really?”  
“Really.” Kira let her head fall against the back of the couch, Ezri let her eyes close again. 

After a few minutes Kira slipped her hand out of Ezri's and pulled Julian's blanket off his bed to cover the sleeping couple. As she laid it over them, she noticed Ezri's hand twitching. She had planned on leaving and letting them wake up together, but Ezri's face looked even younger and more vulnerable in sleep, cheeks still wet. Plus she would probably not remember much of the night. Kira sighed through her nose as she replicated another blanket, covering herself on the couch and gently squeezing Ezri's hand. The unexpected Dax host had made it through the worst of it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! My Ezri stories never seem to end how I want them to when I start writing, but this was a fun adventure for me, and I hope you enjoyed it, too. Comments always appreciated.


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